You are worthy of love
“I’m standing there, on a rocky ridge, alone, tears rolling down my cheeks. At 35 years old, on a solo mountain run, I finally accepted that I was enough.”
It’s been a hectic past 6 months, where leaving my job and not have the chance to compete lead to a tremendous amount of soul searching.
On that morning of the day Sierre Zinal would take place – in an adapted format due to COVID regulations – I head out for a solo run. A similar run as two years ago, which I had at the time, already particularly enjoyed due to its mountain lake and vast glaciers vistas.
I’m running well, without pressure from someone else or time, I’m feeling oddly light and free, almost in a state of flow. Not so much physically but more so mentally, as if something was happening to me. I am delighted to be able to feel it, and let it take over my thoughts and my run.
Lately, I have become aware of all the layers I had built around myself in the past 10 years.
My job status, what was left of my athlete’s status and all the pressure I was putting on myself to live up to these. I tried but in all honesty, failed to fully let go of acting towards sustaining these statuses, through which I would hope to earn recognition from others and receive validation of what I was worth. A vicious behaviour to have yet so deeply engrained in me, that despite all my efforts I had failed to get rid of.
SET AND SETTINGS
As I run up further into the mountains, I’m get this humbling feeling that I am nothing but a tiny insignificant shirtless man, passing through the immensity of these mountains. I’m alone there, and a chamois that flew down by me was the only sign of life around. I had been told that the Khumbu mountains in Everest region had magical power, now I believe all mountains do.
I feel free from judgement, from others but especially from myself. It makes me feel good inside, that I can be happy with no belongings, nobody watching me, no time to judge me, and somehow the message starts to sink in.
I finally get to a rocky ridge, where I take the time to stop and look around me. Take in the views and the energy. This is where it hit me, hard. Just like that, I accepted that the person who I was, was enough.
After giving too much power to judgement, comparison and all sorts of joy altering mechanisms, I had created a bubble around me. It isolated me and prevented me from receiving feelings from the world. Until it finally burst.
A cascade of feelings ensued. As if the first step opened the pandora box setting free many other feelings.
First consequence of self acceptance was the ability to love myself. For who I was, as a human being. No more statuses or any sort of external things that would be the judge of how good I was, or wasn’t. I was enough.
From that ability to love myself, I accepted I was therefore worthy of love. Almost instantly I felt overwhelmed by a surge of love that had been sitting on my doorstep, but that I had never been able to let it.
From my partner Ruth, my family, my close friends, and all those who along the way showed me care and affection. All this love came pouring down on my soul. It was incredible and that is when tears started rolling down my cheeks. I was so filled with love it was coming out from my eyeballs…
If you want to understand more about this I really recommend you listen to the Aubrey Marcus podcast about his darkness retreat experience. Never have I had this phenomenon better explained.
I started running down the other side of the ridge, paying great attention to remain in that mind opening state and remain aware of what could come next.
Then my friend Jenn came to mind, and the quote she once gave me when I was in a very bad way a few years back. « A dark lake of sadness underlies human life and we skate on thin ice. Some of us will break through at some point and it is solely human hands that bring us back to the surface. Hopefully we bring truth back with us, and share it. »
I realised I had broken through a long time ago, and despite trying to make myself believe I had been back to the surface, I know now that I had not, until today.
It wasn’t a human hand but a long string of events, encounters and people that made it possible, so at this very moment, in these set and settings, I was truly back to the surface.
I was back and loaded with what felt like an infinite supply of love. That’s where the third realisation hit me.
MY RELATIONSHIP WITH LOVE
I had treated love like a limited resource, that I therefore would only share in an almost exclusive way to a selected few. I was scared that if I gave to much I would run out of it, and become sad.
The realisation that it was in fact an unlimited resource that could be shared with abundance, with close ones and strangers alike, changed my whole perspective on relationships.
I love people who have showed love to me as much as I love people who have been mean to me, or tried to trick me, or cheat on me. These surely weren’t intentional behaviours but most likely the reflection on my of their own fear and distress.
For the experienced ones out there, this deep, intense and enlightening experience sounds a lot like the outcome of a DMT trip.
But there was one element that was different from all the experiences I have heard and read about these trips that talk about dissolving the ego and being free of it. I had tried this and each time I failed. I believe resilience runs so deep in my personality that fighting my ego, just wasn’t the way to go. Instead, that experience lead me to love my ego for who it is, and I believe therefore lifting all insecurities, doubts and fears that would occasionally drive me to behave in a self destructing way.
Mellon Collin and the Infinite Love-ness.
I am the Smashing Pumpkins’ other side of the moon. I used to think that love was a precious resource to be allocated carefully and only with a selected few, and now I just want to give love to all people around me.
It took me this lifetime to reach this new state of love and understanding. One week later today, I want to send a big thank you and my love back to all the people who have reached this state long before me and helped me get there in one way or another, at some point on my live. Every little action paved a way to this moment and when I look back, I feel immensely grateful for all of you.
I believe this is only the beginning of a new chapter of my life and actually one idea is already starting to shape up. Probably more soon.
In the meantime, be kind and understanding to yourselves, you are all worthy of love. If you ever doubt that, just reach out to me and I’m sure I’ll be able to find many reasons to love you.